zero
I have said; “No one ever says ‘I shouldn't have gone to yoga’”
Last night, I shouldn’t have gone.
About once a year, you're just not in the right head space to teach your next class. I had had an incredible day, seriously, it was wonderful! I was full of smiles and joy. It was a balanced, healthy day that was just what I needed. Then there was one moment when it all came crashing. It happened so fast and furious, I bottomed out.
So quickly I turned in on myself. My internal dialogue was nasty. I was being cruel and harmful to my inner being. I was literally saying such hurtful things to myself, I was making MYSELF cry. To the point if I had been saying it outloud, someone would have called me out on it. They would have pointed out all of my false statements and laughed at my ridiculous affirmations.
I really just wanted to curl up into a ball and go to bed- I emotionally took myself to zero. Instead, I went to teach my next class.
I was at zero, and yet I had to give more.
What did I give? Probably one of my worst classes, because I had nothing to give. I was all over the place and there was no flow or cohesion. I tell people to ‘honor their body. If they want to lay in corpse pose the whole class- DO IT! You are doing yoga!’ What I really wanted to do was just that, with a blanket over my head.
This is the issue. As a yoga teacher, part of my job is to consistently show up. I always come to class. When I am hurt, sick, having issues within my personal life, I show up. And part of that is due to the fact that I I genuinely believe there are lessons to be taught in many of these instances.
When I am injured- I demonstrate how I am adjusting for my body as encouragement, so that you can do the same.
When I am sick- I demonstrate how to go a little slower and adjust my practice to make it work.
When I have issues within my personal life- I demonstrate how to breath and move to find the headspace to keep moving forward.
My husband knew I was in a spot. When I got home he asked how class went, as he does every time I get home. I replied “My worst ever. Hopefully they will come back. I’m going to bed, see you tomorrow.” Despite class where breathing and movement would normally help take me out of my negative self sabotage, I was acknowledging the lack luster class I was delivering. And deeper I dove into my self-harm.
Do I actually regret going to yoga last night? Kind of. You may ask why I didn’t just get a sub? There were a myriad of reasons and negative self-talk was louder.
Why do I share this? To show that we all have our days and moments. And no matter how far we have come on this path, our deep wounds are still there. There is still work to be done, and I need to show up just for me the next few days to work on the chatter that I allowed myself to affirm.
Do I know those statements to be false yet? Honestly, no.
I have work to do, because we all do. The deeper we go into our own personal journey, the deeper the layers of self-worth, self-justice and self-acceptance we un-ravel. The emotions are still there, and you have to process them with love and care. Just as you break a new layer of success, the next layer of work emerges.
What am I doing today?
A little dopamine re-set.
taking a bath
snuggling in bed writing, journaling and reading
practicing some slow yin yoga
drinking lots of water and tea
writing positive affirmations
a walk in the woods
nourishing my body with rooted veggies
This Week’s A Door Within:
How do you address your negative self-talk?
When you have your low points, how do you climb back out?
How do you want to reset?
♥Ashley
